im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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