I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
