You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
