I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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