You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
