what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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