I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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