just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
