I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
