Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize