just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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