Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
