I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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