dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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