I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
