My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
