Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Let's get the cat blown out
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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