dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
