I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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