apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
