Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
