Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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