"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You ruined the universe
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
