that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
