i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
