It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You know, be my cock's hype man.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize