I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
