I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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