I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize