I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
