I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
