I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
