I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
