i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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