So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
