My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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