meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
