Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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