Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
