I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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