I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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