im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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