She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
