I can text with my tongue
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
