i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
