dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
my shit smells like andre
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
