Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
