A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
