Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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