I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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