i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
