i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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