Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
