I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
