I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
