I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
