hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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