from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
