and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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