he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
